Some random, undeveloped, uncultured thoughts

 - What's this bullshit you hear actors say that they have learned so much from their children?  What the heck are you actually being taught? "My kids are great, they taught me to be patient." Oh really? So before kids, this was you: "patience sucks!" And then, you had the kid and all of a sudden, you're like, hey, patience isn't so bad... what a crock. Kids don't teach you anything. You don't learn anything. That's not the point. Having kids is not a self-help program.

- The story goes that Ingrid Bergman was so beautiful in person that people would ask her questions just to have the excuse to gaze upon her face while she responded.  I once was with a woman whose face was so beautiful that I realized, sitting across from her one day in a pub and listening to her talk, that I could just stare at her face, perhaps forever, and be endlessly entertained. Is entertained the right word? No. contented? enthralled? I would never get bored, put it that way. I could just gaze at her forever and be contented.  There's something to be said for that power. I thought about this as I was watching Le Samourai the other day, and the enthralling face of Alain Delon -- even to a straight guy. Perhaps it was more admiration, or envy -- I wondered, how much of the French New Wave was simply due to ridiculously beautiful women (and to a lesser extent, men)?  Would Breathless be the same with a plainer woman than Jean Seberg?  I think not.  Those foreign directors were smart. Some of those flicks were pretty good, but really, what made Breathless work was Jean Seberg's face.

- I've been to a few wedding ceremonies lately where the bride has someone read a passage from the Velveteen Rabbit, which talks about a doll that is worn out due to overuse, but even though it is worn out and ugly, it is loved, or something to that effect. And inevitably, the bride is overweight, has let herself go in some major fashion.  Essentially, this passage is saying we shouldn't judge a person by their looks, what matters is inside.  Which is, I'm sorry, bullshit. A person's looks, more often than not, have a lot to do with other qualities they possess, such as respect (for others), energy, drive, work ethic. It's hard to look good, for most people. It's hard to stay in shape.  No, this Velveteen Rabbit passage is so popular because so many people want to be given permission to gorge themselves on whatever they're gorging on, and in general to let themselves go.  Because it takes work to maintain appearances, and some people are just too plain lazy to bother. And no matter how many times you refer to the Velveteen Rabbit, it won't shield you from that reality.

Road Rage Incident #1536

Hey here's an idea to all you drivers in the outside lane on a two-lane road, going around a curve. Why don't you try to stay in your fucking lane? 

This is not Monte Carlo. You're not driving a Ferrari Elan GT, trying to shave milliseconds off your qualifying time. 

You're driving a pigshit minivan in Crapurbia, USA. Capiche?  You do not need the miniscule driving advantage afforded by elbowing two feet over the double line into my lane. That only forces me to drive onto the shoulder so as to avoid a head on collision. And I'm sick of doing that. So next time, I'm taking you out.
Got it?
Unless I'm in a big hurry.

Bits

I think baseball managers should have crocodile jaws sewn into their mouths, so they wouldn't look so ridiculous chewing on whatever it is they chew on.

So Casey Anthony was finally acquitted. Which finally brings to an end the dumbest, worst planned abortion in history.

In prison somewhere, Susan Smith is cursing and hitting herself on the head. Why the hell didn't I just party! I had to go and report them missing! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Radio Is Intolerable

How in the hell can anyone stand to listen to a radio station these days? Honestly. I don't know if radio has gotten worse or I'm just becoming a nasty curmudgeon in my old age. It's probably both so let's just focus on the stuff that doesn't implicate me.

First of all, the commercials. I realize they have to pay their bills, but come on, there's way too much. It seems like the commercials to content ratio is 50/50 these days. It feels like a chore you have to endure in order to get a little content.

Second, music stations suck because most of the music they play sucks, it's the same crap we've heard a thousand times before, there's no original thought behind any of it.

So the only radio I find remotely tolerable is talk radio, or at least, news radio. Give me some information.

But even that is completely overrun with commercials. You get 5 minutes of talk, then five minutes of obnoxious commercials.  And yet, I understand that without commercials, the stations can't operate. So getting a TiVo for the radio won't help, because if people start skipping commercials, advertisers will probably stop advertising.

What to do? If I was running a radio station, I'd have more commercials. Yeah, that sounds contradictory, but hear me out.  I'd have more commercials but they would be SHORTER.  Much shorter, and only one at a time. Each one would be a maximum of 30 seconds long.  So you would barely notice the interruption, even though the interruption would be coming every couple of minutes.

I can live with commercials if they are really short.  But five to ten minute blocks? Forget it.

Until the stations figure this out, I'll just listen to podcasts.

Small talk

I've never enjoyed cocktail parties.  You (you, ha ha. as if someone is reading this) might think then that I don't like "meeting" people, or don't like people, but that's not the case.  I'm fascinated by people. But in your typical social situation, you aren't meeting people.  You're meeting carefully constructed public personas.  It's not the real person.  Very few persons are who they are in a social setting.  A party, a birthday party, whatever.  I realize that it may be the only way to have contact with other members of our species but I'd rather not do it.

I'd much rather be observing people, or working with people, or at least doing something with them.  Then you really learn about a person.

But a party?  It's just talking.  You're set up with your drink and you're standing there, and you're talking.  What does talking say about you?  Are you a good talker?  Are you a real talker, as in, is that your natural state?  Does it require an effort?  And if so, what are we learning about you?

And why do we have to talk? Can't we just stand there and drink?

Wisdom from the Wife

"You spend the first two years teaching them to walk and talk, and then you spend the next sixteen years teaching them to sit down and shut up."

Buying a Tank for Junior

It's a little before 3 p.m. on a summer afternoon, and I'm driving my Honda Civic into a narrow lot that borders a school yard to wait for my two sons to be released from day camp.  Day camp is what you bring your children to during the summer if you work out of your home and you actually want to get some work done.

I coast along, passing parked vehicles, looking for a parking space.  And I realize that every single vehicle I'm passing is a minivan or an SUV.  Every single one.  Most of these things are so big they don't properly fit into the slanted parking spaces.  Several dickheads have parked with two wheels in the next space, like a fat person at the movies whose arms hang over the armrests, not even trying to stay within their allotted slot.

And I wonder, why is it necessary to buy a behemoth when you have a child?  Really.  Is it protection?  You worried about being broadsided by an 18-wheeler?  I guess it's for safety reasons though I sure hear about SUV's flipping over a lot, and minivans getting smashed up in accidents, just as much as any other car.  But it's the thing to do when you are expecting: run down to the local dealership and plop down $30,000 on the latest fortified troop transport to carry junior like the Last Emperor, surrounded by airbags and car safety gear.  I briefly contemplate opening a dealership that sells refurbished M-1 tanks.

I finally find a spot that hasn't been taken or infringed upon, and carefully slide into the space between two hulks, like I'm playing that kids' game Operation, trying not to touch the bloated vehicles on either side.  I turn off the car engine and wait with the windows down.  All around me, I hear engines running to keep air conditioners going.  Because God forbid anyone should have to actually expose themselves to the humid summer air for more than a minute.  One woman even gets out of her car and leaves it running to keep it nice and cool.  That's smart, because now she won't have to be defibrillated when she returns to a smoking hot car.

Then I see the kids, led by the counselors, approaching the fence bordering the parking lot.  I wait in the car as other parents get out, so I don't have to proffer that toothless grin of parental commiseration that says: "hello, I'm a loving parent too, and aren't we doing something wonderful for our child?"  Or even worse, engage in parent small talk, and fumble out something about how many activities the camp offers or the latest and greatest snack pack.

Finally I see my sons coming. I get out of the car, make my way to the counselor as quickly but discreetly as possible, sign for my sons, and walk them back to the car.  I try, like always, to ask them about their day but the boys are quiet, tired from the day at camp, their minds still thinking about the fun they had.  "How was it, guys?" "Good."  That's as much as I get.  I give them some cold water bottles and start up the engine.

We pull out, and follow the line of tanks exiting the lot.  If it weren't for my silly little car, we could have a convoy.

Thin guy in fat land

When I was about 10 or 11 years old I did a little audio show on my portable tape recorder called the Adventures of the Fat Ladies.  It wasn't about fat ladies, though, so much as it was about a thin guy trying to survive in a world ("Fat Land") where everything and everyone was fat. 


I don't think anything has changed. If anything, everything is fatter, and I'm still kind of thin, and I still don't get most of what's going on around me.